First pof dating experience personals
It feels like he read some manual about what he’s supposed to say and do and that’s what he’s doing. I am desperate for support, for insights from those who have been through this, are going through it, are working to come out on the other side.
I have come to think of him as a chronic malcontent.I am sickened by him but at the same time feel this empathy for him – I feel badly that he isn’t seeing the kids as much as before, I feel badly that he seems to be suffering.At times I feel “his feelings” almost more than my own and I wonder if I have lost myself to this person. Especially when I start feeling like I just want to go back to him and pretend none of this ever happened. In therapy he is apologetic and is saying the right things, but, as always, it doesn’t feel authentic to me. I can’t believe he thought so little of me that he would put my LIFE in danger by having sex with prostitutes. He’s now saying he’s a sex addict – that he’s been dealing w compulsive porn use for twenty years, “only rarely” surfs escort sites and “even more rarely” actually had sex w prostitutes. And in twenty years there have “only” been six (now it’s six, by the way) prostitutes. I’ve asked for transparency for us to move forward but I don’t think I’m getting it and don’t know if I ever will OR if he is being honest, if I’d be able to tell.The next day he finally admitted to having sex w five prostitutes over the last ten years – when we were dating, engaged, when I was pregnant, and a few times since we had kids. One moment, I feel intense rage, the next moment sadness, the next moment shame, the next nausea.We are in marriage counseling and currently living apart. I watch my girls play and feel such a profound loss – of the family I thought we had, as flawed as it may have been.This stands in stark contrast to the man he purported to be at the beginning of our relationship almost ten years ago.Bright, well traveled, adventurous, daring – I was taken in by stories of these grand adventures he’d had in the past, picturing a life w someone filled w energy and motivation.He played it off as nothing – they’d had lunch a few times, gone out w others for drinks (outings to which I was never invited, about which I was never told). After we were married and when I was pregnant w our first child, I looked on one of his social sites and found another overly familiar message sent to an old female friend in which he talked about how great it was to chat w her until 3am the night before. When I confronted him, he again said it was innocent and didn’t seem to understand why I was upset but agreed to stop messaging people on this site.A few years later when we were moving, I found a stash of porn DVDs – close to a hundred – and asked him about it.For example, he is the kind of man who will steer the conversation to himself, will talk at length about himself (almost like a monologue w little room for others input or a give and take), but will rarely, if ever, ask any questions of anyone else in the room.When conversation turns away from him, he is on his i Phone or will even take out his computer, completely ignoring the social situation around him.